Life’s too short to care at all. This line would probably et me threw life much easier. I need to take a shit. Dude alans going at it again. That guy. I just dont want him going through another heartbreak which I highly expect in the future. He should let things flow. Dont confess first and let shit happen. If you just into it too fast youll fuck it up and everythings gone. He is very insecure and takes every detail like it makes a difference in the world. It kinda pisses me up and its weird because I know when somethings happens to him like the mswong thing I knew it made him feel good and that he actually thinks she likes him. Socially awkward penguin.
titanic.
It was late and me and jm planned a chill night to longboard and bike around. I was pretty excited but my legs were killing me from tkd. I was texting lindsay ad we were just talking normally. Then we mentioned titanic how we didnt finish the movie at the sleep over and how i wanted to watch the ending. We went on and eventually she asked me if I wanted to watch and finish it tonight! I was worried because I said I would go biking. So i told jm I couldnt go bc my legs hurt. Even though he came to my house to pick me up. He stayed a bit but I really wanted to go to her house. So i waited and eventuaklly he left. Right when he left I booked it to her house tellin her to get the movie ready. I think i never rode my bike faster. We talked a bit and we started the movie. She made popcorn while it began. It was just me and her watchin a movie together in her house at night. Perfect. as the movie progressed, we were sitting closer and closer to each other when all of a sudden she leans her head onmy shoulder, then thats when I put my arms around her. I was happy. the movie went on and time went on it was getting pretty late. But eventually we finished the movie which had a sad ass ending ;( whcih i almost cried. I was so moved by the whole situation I had one thing in mind. As we said our goodbyes, I knew I was going to kiss her. So we did our goodbye hug and then I turned to her and kissed her on the cheek. I felt that night was perfect. But right now I wonder how she felt about that kiss. Whether she liked that I did it or kinda didnt want me to kiss her bc we were moving too fast. Either way I did it because it felt right at the time.one of the best nights of my life. So worth skipping biking with jm.
May 29, 2012
The feelings are coming back, a bit. The thing is, I still have feelings. Its deep deep inside me and ive supressed them. So everything i do, theres always this small feeling inside me reminding me. I hate that. I hate that I love you. I really hate it. I wish I can remove this feeling until u reciprocal the feeling back but somewhat I wouldnt want that. I chilled with the mini boys now yesterday and I feel proud of alan. He wanted something and now he got it. I really hope he gets in a relationship with iannah I reallly do. LOL it seems any girl that notices him he goes for. Thats what he did. tried to go for jaiun bc they talk a lot. tried to go for lindsay bc they talk a lot, thinks girls like him bc of situations and now iannah gives him attention and now hes going for it. But I feel bad for him. He hasn’t been in a relationship before and hope he can experience it with her. I hope. If not hell be roaming around and being depressed again. But i feel for him. Its weird. Whenever I have miss you feelings, i got to your profile and look at your pictures then I feel better and I dont miss you but kinda hate you. weird. I hate how you talk to alan more than me and we were suppose to be great friends but no u fucking ignore me and talk to him. After you concert I cant believe u texted him first. I dont know if it was I dont text you or anything but shit that was on purpose. Your such a hypocrite. Saying oh I mean what I say and shit and I don’t try to hint shit to guys and that you dont do what other girls do. BBUT you do whether youre aware of it or not. Try to tell the truth. The only thing I hope for in the future is it works out for the both of us, whether we end up together or we find two different people perfect for us, hopefully better than both us. To me find a girl thats better than you will be a challenge which I hate to admit bc Im trying not to reminice about the past.
May 22, 2012
It’s pitch dark right now probably wet as hell everywhere. Stayed home all day going through my main 4 websites: youtube, twitter, tumblr and 9gag. The thing with tumblr, I am always waiting for lindsay to make a post about something. I guess because thats the only way of knowing how she is doing, which is pretty sad. Today I thought I was going to do homework but my laziness prevails. I want to be apart of something huge. I want to be part of the hells angels and live a life of excitement even though it may be a life closer to death. I feel like i can never get along with anyone other than my friend group. I will try to do the same lindsay. Even though we may be far away, we are very close in trying to do the same goal. which seems impossible. Only time can tell. I will try my best. For the both of us. I want to experience something amazing or crazy and be alive to say yeah I went through that and so I could tell my kids about it and my friends. I want to live an exciting life. Im scared Im leading her on. Im terrified of that.
Hello self. How are you? How are you, you say? I’m actually doing alright. My feelings towards her has settled down now and i don’t get so depressed as often as before. I hope the best for and I hope she’s happy right now bc shes been through a lot. Right now two girls talk to me. And I’m sure they both like me. But the think is, I don’t like either of them. I would love to stay friends with them but I just wish they feel the same way as me. They wouldnt want me as a lover but as a really good friend. I doubt that they feel that way though. I hope it doesnt come to the point where they profess their love to me and I have to shut them down. But like I said, I would love to stay as their friend. Next year we would have to look for a prom date. The thing is, I would ask jaiun but i think that would break her heart even more. so thats a no. I don;t want to ask mellis. I dont know about antonia. Maybe if things become really chill between us, ill consider it. But the one person I would would be lindsay. That is someone I would actually work to. But the thing is, what would her and her friends think. If i was actually gonna do it to her, I would start talking to her again and build that mutual relationship up to good friends. Then I would ask her in private so there won’t be any pressure into sayin yes. I would say…. I know things haven’t been the greatest between us and I know I’m not even suppose to be doing this. But your the only person I picture myself asking to prom to and asking anyone else would feel weird. its okay if you say no, I just wanted to do all of this for you before i look for another date. hypothetically, as friend to friend, would you go to prom with me? Then she would say yes but she didn’t want to deal with her friends so she would say no and I would be totally fine with that :D that would make me feel good as if i had nothing to hide. If i did it to anyone else, i would seriously regret not doing it to you.
I feel so shitty. I don’t feel like studying or doing anything right now. Im sore from tkd and yeah i feel shitty. So fuck off.
IDK MAN. I feel scared. I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing with my life or who I am or who I am suppose to be. I wish i didn’t have a lot of things. I wish I didn’t sweat as much as other people. I wish my voice didn’t turn shakey or my palms become sweaty when I feel nervous. I wish I wasn’t this tall. I wish I didn’t have any scars on my stomach. I wish I didn’t have quadruple eyelids. I wish I could breathe normally. I wish I didn’t over heat when I express the most slightest emotion. Fuck.
Before all of this was happening, I had very weird thoughts in my head. Everytime I saw her I had this feeling inside. Sort of like butterflies but I didn’t know why. I was with jaiun and I tried to convince myself like I loved her death but I didn’t feel it was possible. Small thoughts of my liking her would cross my mind but what would I do?? I would have to break up with jaiun and still I wouldn’t even know if she would like me back. I saw scared. I didn’t want to lead jaiun on into a relationship I wasn’t too sure about. I ddint know what to do. And if i did break up with her and she didnt like me, Now what. In my mind I was almost positive that she liked allan so i dismissed these thoughts instantly. But the funny thing is, this already happened and it was fucked up.
One night, I was talking to her on msn wondering what to do. That was the night of vlos party. But i wondered why she wasn’t there “partying”. So I asked and she said she didn’t like dressing up and I responded with a fair enough response. We talked more as the night grew longer. Then I expressed to her how bored I was and I kept pushing it because I was waiting for an answer from her. Since I was at home bored and she was at home bored, I was kinda expecting it. And then it came. Would you like to come over? I didn’t want to sound too desperate but I said yes. Crappy night to go to her house. It was pouring rain so I put on my raincoat and biked as fast as I could to her house. We said hello and she told me that her dad was home but w/e he was asleep anyways. So we sat on adjacent couches talking about stuff. She told me about the first time jaiun heard my name and about a lot of things i didn’t know. And what made me happy was when the first time jaiun knew my name, she asked her do you think justin is cute? That made me somewhat happy at the time but i still didnt know why. After talking for a bit, we took the guitar and her binder of songs and lyrics which I thought were pretty lame :) but she was prepared. We sat in front of her house playing and kinda singing while the rain shot bullets towards the pavement. Then we talked about personal stuff that I wouldn’t have told any of my friends because I dont know. Theres soemthing about guys that doesnt make me trust them for some reason. But I knew in my heart that she wouldn’t tell anyone, I didnt know why. I told her about my sister and she told something about her sister I didn’t know. My dad was getting mad that I wasn’t home when it was shit late. So we parted ways with a simple hug. Got on my bike and rode off through the curtain of rain. But something felt different. Something that felt so wrong but yet so right. Her and I were having this bond/connection thats almost what I think it is. But i was reeally scared to think thaat way. Amazing.
From that day on, we began spending a lot of time together. Biking around the neighbourhood when the world’s asleep and talking about everything and nothing at the same time. I felt neutral because I knew she liked him, so i refrained from any thought of me and her being a thing. One time I went out with my jf boys and she texted me if we could bike or walk princeton. I couldn’t refused even if I tried. It was pretty late but that didnt stop me from being with her. I met with her near the bus stop and greeted princeton as if it was my own. She said she needed to call someone so we stopped behind a house near the road when suddenly a car pulls over. The guys in the car dropped off this drunk guy and he was getting very pissed. It didn’t even seem like he was drunk. He was yelling at us for “peeing” behind his house. We were like WTF but then the guys in the car said just walk away and he’ll go away. In my mind I was like how the hell! We argued with him for a bit then decided to walk away. But he started following us. My heart was beating out of my ribs. But after half way to shell he stopped following us and went back. We were both really relieved. She was really freaked out. Out of the open I offered a hug but she refused. Felt kinda crumby but I didn’t think much of it. I walked her home and I walked back in the dark alone like always.
